My Bitter Taste Came In
When I turned thirty-two suddenly I preferred less cream and sugar in my coffee. I swapped a glass of riesling for a glass of red wine. Dark chocolate now hits the spot when I used to only prefer milk chocolate. I now enjoy food and drink that taste much less sweet, and a little bit more bitter.
I’m not mad about it, it’s just that that’s not the only bitter taste that came in…
The early thirties are such a unique stage of life. You’re not super young anymore. Your brain is fully developed and you’re a little bit more settled in on who you are. Sure, there’s growth and possible transitions on the horizon, but it’s more carefully thought out at this stage in life. There’s more responsibilities and obligations. Your schedule has most likely chilled out a little bit and time is spent raising kids, building a career and spending most of your time with your spouse (if you are married) and closest friends. We aren’t young, but we aren’t old. We aren’t running around staying out past midnight, but we know we have so much life left to live, Lord willing. I have observed by turning the corner into my thirties, there’s a lot more time for reflection and desire to process the past including my upbringing and experiences.
However, this year specifically, I couldn’t help but notice a major shift not only with my taste buds, but with my outlook on life. I caught myself displaying patterns I wasn’t necessarily proud of. A little bit more cynical. More moments of being a little bit more passive aggressive. A little bit more… grumpy. Is this when it starts?!? The stereotypical grumpy old lady?!?! I want nothing to do with that!
Memory Popcorn
I have found since having kids that I am frequently reminded of my own past experiences. While taking care of my children, little things that happen throughout the day can “trigger” a similar memory or moment from my childhood — whether good or bad. Though I have experienced some greater levels of childhood pain (that’s a story I will save for an email conversation or over a cup of coffee!), even my husband Jared who had a more normal upbringing relates to all of those adolescent memories popping up. Tending to our children in the day to day reminds us of when we were little too. Sometimes the memories are welcome, sometimes they are not.
For many of us, no matter how wonderful our upbringing was, the past may hold some experiences that were hurtful, unfair, and even despairing.
And if it wasn’t something done to us from someone we loved who was supposed to keep us safe, there are still many pains and hardships in life that may cause our hearts to grow sour. Experiencing loss, infertility, vocational frustration, financial instability, loneliness, church hurt, rejection… Goodness there’s never ending possibilities for the things that could embitter us!
My question for us today is what are we allowing the hurts we have experienced to do to our hearts?
The definition of bitter is: “(of people or their feelings or behavior) angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.” That’s the googled definition. Here’s the definition from the Cambridge dictionary: Someone who is bitter is angry and unhappy because they cannot forget bad things that happened in the past: Ouch.
Bitterness is yucky. I don’t have to remind you of that. We all know that person who has a bitter existence — do you even want to be around them?
I think there’s a temptation for millennials to try and go back and sort through what happened in our past to the point of mental exhaustion. If we can just figure out WHY, maybe we can fix it and move on. We mentally dig for answers, hoping it will get us to a place of peace and restoration. We don’t like noticing some bitterness forming in our hearts and how we are treating our loved ones because of it, so we try and dig it out on our own. Enough reflection may bring about some relief, not more bitterness, right? We take the personality tests, read the self help books, meditate…try all the things… Will bitterness get the last word? Will sorting out the past give us the freedom to be who we want to be?
Thankfully when we are in Christ, the Holy Spirit is working in our hearts to bring about what he desires for us. The Lord does not leave us stuck in the mire; His light shines into our bitter hearts to make us new.
“The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”
Hello, my name is bitter.
Consider the story of Naomi in the book of Ruth who literally changed her name to “bitter” by taking on the name Mara. When she returned home after losing her husband and sons this is what she told her people:
Ruth 1:20–21
[20] She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. [21] I went away full, and the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the LORD has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?” (ESV)
Naomi fully vented her circumstances of experiencing tragic loss and blamed the Lord. God didn’t rebuke her in that moment… He had a plan all along. A redeemer for her family. Later, He restored her joy, gave her grandchildren, and her family would be included in the genealogy of the savior of the world - Jesus Christ.
Even though she was whiny and feeling bitter about her loss and circumstances (a very natural, human response), the Lord was faithful to his plan. But she couldn’t see it when she was journeying home. She took on the name of bitterness - it was her new identity.
The Bible is FILLED with stories of normal, common people that have experienced such tragic, bitterness inducing trials. Many of them had awful responses, many showed their humanity in trying to take matters into their own hands, many of them were whiny and fussy and God still loved them, used them, and cared for them.
Throughout the Old Testament and in Naomi’s life, God displayed His patience, faithfulness, and goodness.
He’s faithful even when we don’t trust him.
Sweet Surrender
“My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed.”
Do we choose to go down the path of resentment, or turn somewhere else? Do these grievances have the final say? Is it there any good that can come of it?
It seems all to easy to give in to grumpy, fussy outlooks on life and cynical attitudes… Bitterness is such a natural response. Where do we go with it?
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
We seek the God who transforms our minds and embrace our new identity in Christ. (Romans 12:2 & 2 Corinthians 2:18) We praise the God who redeems us and promises to make all things new. We don’t take on the name “Bitter” we take on the name of Christ.
This doesn’t minimize or erase the past. This doesn’t brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal. But this surrendering takes the weight of responsibility off our shoulders and casts it over to Jesus, who died to set us free from our sin and the impact of the sins that have been committed against us.
I would never want to encourage you to just ignore the circumstances or tragedy that brought about mental suffering, however as someone who has been in a season of searching her past for answers, it’s been hard to get out. Of course it should be addressed. Of course, we should consider additional means to ensure we are not taking our bitterness out on our loved ones. Of course, there are also practical steps you can take to help minimize the bitter effects…like getting outside more, exercising, eating healthy, reducing screen time, and so on. (Quick reminder here that Naomi literally walked outside for days to get home, didn’t have access to processed foods or screens and STILL felt bitter 😬)
Our hearts are so prone to bitterness, but it doesn’t have to take root and become who we are. The past hurts don’t have to wreck us.
Stop digging.
Turn from ruminating and let go of what you cannot change.
Look for answers in God’s word not your past.
Let the hurtful memories that pop up slip out of your mind without your dwelling on them.
Let any wrongdoing or painful circumstances fuel you to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)
Seek to serve your loved ones as a rejection of how bitterness may cause you to treat others.
Confess and receive the grace of the gospel. (Put off bitterness, put on kindness Eph. 4)
Persevere in Christ! Keep running! Knowing HE is the one carrying you.
Seek counsel, community, and life giving relationships.
Run to the Father who gives living water - who leads us beside still waters and restores the soul. (Psalm 23:2)
Rest in his grace.
He is doing a GOOD work in you.
Praise God for the joy of your salvation. Press on.
Yes, it’s true… My bitter taste came in.
And I can have my bitter coffee… But I am going to drink it with a heart filled with joy.
“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, [14] I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (ESV)”
Thank you for reading today. Talk soon. -Sarah ☕️
