Can I Be Real With You? This Winter Was Difficult…
An Honest Confession of Seasonal Depression & Spiritual Doubt
The title says it. This winter was hard.
I’m sure you felt it. I know you did if you live in the northern hemisphere of the country. Snow storms, sub zero temps, and seemingly no end in sight. I think I lost count after nine days in a row without a blue sky… I know the sun was out there, but it could not be seen.
It was dark.
(Before I continue, let me assure you that I am okay — spring is coming bringing with it warmer temps and plenty of sunshine… plus vitamin D supplements, prescription help (praise the Lord for modern medicine) and eating well and exercising again…)
This winter was especially hard for someone like me - who has a bent toward melancholy in the innermost areas of the mind… But, being a mom to three kiddos and a wife to a husband with a growing business — one does not simply halt the schedule to throw a pity party… the show must go on, and go on it did. However, I found myself getting the bare minimum done around the house, taking more naps than I ever have in my life, getting stuck scrolling my phone and lacking motivation to eat well or exercise. I was down — the darkness of the winter season really impacted my mind and body. But I even began to feel stuck in other areas too.
I don’t know how to put it other than… spiritual dryness. Sure, I kept up with my Bible reading. I prayed. I attended church. But inside? Callousness was forming. A cynical attitude began taking root. Worship music made my eyes roll. After more than twenty years of serving Jesus, I realized how easy it was to go through the motions without much heart behind it. Without much trust. Without much… anything. The way I would describe myself was “disenchanted with the Christian faith.” It wasn’t a place I wanted to be, nor a place I ever thought I would.
I felt this way in part because of the transition our family made when Jared stepped away from full-time ministry to pursue Howell Made Media full time (that’s a whole story for another day!). It sent me into a season of wrestling with everything I had grown up believing about ministry—how noble and meaningful it was to serve the Lord vocationally—and now here we were, stepping away from that into business ownership. I found myself grappling not just with what we were doing, but with who we were apart from it. In that process, I began to see how much of my spiritual striving had been tied to the perceptions of others, and how I believed I could earn spiritual merit by staying constantly involved in church (and supporting my husband, who had always been the main one to pursue ministry).
I attempted to snap myself out of this funk, but none of my usual remedies could help: listening to sermons, reading articles, attempting to read books by notable Christian authors — I had absolutely no interest.
And then came the doubt.
“Is God really there? Is this really true? Do I really believe? Are we all swept up in something man-made?”
Sheesh, I told you at the beginning things felt dark.
But notice how the italicized questions I shared above sound eerily familiar… “Did God really say” …that sounds a lot like the snake in the garden… and oh how the enemy wants to bring down the saints.
When I walk through spiritual battles, I trust that the Holy Spirit is reminding me to remember God’s Word even when my heart isn’t “feeling it.” I remember Jesus’ mission: to seek and to save the lost. And my heart, prone to wander, is being held by my Lord who sought me out and will keep me until the end.
In this struggle I have had to do something that I am very bad at… wait. Wait on the Lord to work… Wait on the Lord to see me through this trial… Wait on the Lord to restore to me the joy of my salvation. Wait on the Lord to renew my strength.
There are going to be seasons like this in the lives of believers, but we can endure it with hope, sustained by the grace of Christ.
This Easter, I stayed home with our youngest, who was sick with a bad cough, so I took it upon myself to read an account of Christ’s resurrection. I knew exactly where to go in Scripture — I needed to read about Thomas (John 20).
Thomas walked with Christ, served alongside Him, and witnessed His power firsthand — and still, he doubted that Jesus would do what He said He would do. And yet, Jesus pursued Thomas in his doubt. He showed him His wounds. He let him feel the holes in His hands.
Jesus went to Thomas. He reaches out to us too — the doubt-filled, imperfect-faith sheep.
My prayer today? Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!”
*Please note that the assistance of AI was used to restructure some of this blog post and edit some grammar mistakes.
